Life and Death
~ "Say good bye
tada good bye
subete no wazurawashisa ni good bye
Say good bye
tada good bye
kawaru koto osorezu ni good bye" ~
I can't get these lines out of my head.
I'm staring into a certain direction.
I see a figure, lonely and sad.
It's kneeling in front of a grave, humming softly.
Oh, this sweet melody is so familiar to me it hurts.
Tears are running over pale cheeks.
Somehow though they don't effecting the soft voice.
As well, this flow of tears doesn't veiling the dark eyes.
They reflect sadness, hurt and longing.
He's looking far away, into eternity.
Him sitting there like this...
It makes me want to be near him so much.
I want to hold him in my arms, ease his pain.
I miss him so much.
His laughter, the cheerful sparkle in his chocolate brown eyes, these soft hands resting on my cool skin...
But now, this smile, all the happiness I loved so much, it's all gone, drowned in sorrow and grief.
Jesus, what have I done?
I just wish I could turn back time...
Just let that night vanish!
I kinda saw and feared it coming like this, but I never _wanted_ it...
I'd never wanted to hurt my dears.
Especially not like this.
Why didn't I do anything?
I was so selfish...
Well, now I see...
Seems like he was right.
He kept telling me to stop over and over again.
Somehow I can't even understand myself.
"Stop running, face it!", he told me all the time.
Yeah... I was running away indeed.
But why?
And from what?
Or dare I say whom?
Had I really been that blind already?
Why didn't I notice what happened with me?
And then...
I just left this world...
My fans, my music, my family, my friends...
All the others I used to care about so much.
Even more then about myself.
But I ruined it all.
I hurt them deeply, left them mourning and without any answers.
I made people cry, something I've always hated to do.
My precious dears...
Will I ever have a chance to make up for this?
I walk up to him.
My need to be near him overpowers me.
I take a look into his lovely face.
A sad smile crosses my face.
Slowly, I raise my hand to his cheek.
I imagine to run my fingers across the smooth skin, but I naturally can't feel it.
I want to stroke these tears away, so badly, but I know can't touch him.
"How beautful you are, even when you cry", I softly whisper, more or less, to myself.
"Why do you shed tears? Why, for someone who hurt you so much? Will you ever be able to forgive me? And I still dared to say I'd love you..."
I wimper, biting back tears.
"Because I still love you", a quiet voice answered.
Shocked, I let my hand drop.
"I know you've been watching me. You don't need to hide from me. I can feel you..."
He turns his head towards me.
My spirit slowly takes the shape of my former body.
Here I stand now.
Tears, in a face, that shows pain and disbelieve.
"How... how...", I stammer, confused.
I'm unable find the words I'm searching for.
He faintly smiles at my confusion.
"'Ai tte ikura deshou?' - Weren't these your very own words?"
He sounds slightly amused.
In return, I try to smile.
"Still...?"
He only nods.
Suddenly he throws his arms around me and hugs me tight.
I hear him trying to stifle his sobs.
Finally, all my suppressed back tears overflow.
Lovingly I wrap my arms around his shaking form, gently stroking his trembling back.
"I miss you so much", he whispers into my shoulder.
"I'm so sorry"
"Please, don't leave me ever again. This world so cold and loveless without you. I can't bear it any longer"
"You know I never wanted to leave you, but I can't stay, as much as I'd want it", I answer quietly.
"Demo, what are you? What happened... after...?"
The words practically died in his throat.
Silently, I release my wings.
His eyes widened in surprise and relief.
"Oh hide, they're beautful", he gasps in awe.
Gently he pats the white feathers, the other hand resting over his heart.
"You never saw them before?"
He slowly shakes his head.
Then he embraces me again.
My head is pressing softly against his well shaped chest.
"Gods, if I'd just known..."
"No, don't blame yourself, please. I was the one messing up my life. It was my own fault. But I don't want you to throw your precious life away like this as well, so I'll do everything to make sure you won't."
Carefully, I run my fingers over the deep scars on his arms.
I cast him a deep glance, meeting his deep, dark eyes.
"Promise me, to never do this again, no matter what"
He unassertively nods.
More tears were running over his beautiful, pale cheeks.
I pull him close to me and into the grass.
He's laying on his back, head in my lap.
Stroking his full brown hair, I show my most loving smile.
"You should know that even though I may not be able to be with you physically, I'm always here, inside your heart. Nobody will ever be able to take away your memories. Keep them in love, and live them. The sad ones, and the happy ones. I'll always be there to watch over you and give my everything to guard you", I softly whisper to his ear.
I see him close his eyes, sinking into memories.
In silence I follow.
~ "Kimi no hoho ni kuchizuke wo... boku ha kimi wo wasurenai
Motto tsuyoku dakishimete boku ga sora ni kaeru made
Kimi no hosoku sukitooru koe ga boku wo hanasanai
Motto tsuyoku dakishimete boku ga kienai youni..." ~
