"From a distance there is harmony,
And it echoes through the land.
It's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves,
It's the heart of every man."
***
The Wish
(by April Eagle)
***
"Good morning, little ones. Isn't it a beautiful day?"
I want to disagree and keep sitting as all the other children stand up and run over to the windows. To look outside. To see the snow that had fallen last night. As if they hadn’t seen it already when their parents brought them to the kindergarten! Sure, the playground around the old house looks quite different with the thick, white layer of snow, but the light from the winter's sun is too bright, it hurts my eyes. My still burning eyes.
Last night I didn't sleep well. I had a nightmare and woke up around midnight. My big sister came to comfort me, but even she couldn't hold back her tears. Of course she tries to be strong, she's my older sister and takes that job very seriously, but I guess it's even too much for her. I mean, even Papa cried. Only once, but I can't remember ever having seen her cry. With so much sadness...
"Why don't you join them?"
I look up and watch as different children run outside to throw snowballs at each other. They are laughing. They look happy. They seem to only think of Christmas. I don't want to laugh. I am not happy. And I hate this coming Christmas, because all I can think of is her. My mommy...
"It's only for ten minutes, because it's so cold outside." Auntie Lina kneels down next to me to look right into my eyes. No, she's not my real aunt, she's the woman who takes care of me while I'm in the kindergarten. While my sister is at school, my daddy is at the race track and my mommy... my mommy used to be at the opera or in her studio. We're all supposed to call this woman -aunt- to make us feel more at home.
But I don't feel comfortable here. Not today. I just want to go to bed, creep under my blanket and rest there till this damn Christmas is over. Hai, I am not allowed to curse, of course, but this Christmas is doomed. The tree still stands unwrapped in our living room’s corner, nothing is decorated. Auntie Minako - she's a real auntie of mine - wanted to decorate the entire house, but Papa disagreed. She didn't want to have anything around that remembered her of Christmas, of the festival of love she will have to spend without her love, without my mommy...
Again I feel tears swelling in my eyes. No, I don't want to cry. I cried so much during the past days but it never helped. I sob, but it's not as hard as I did last night. When my Sissy held me tightly and cried, too.
"Little one..." Auntie Lina looks at me, a little bit helpless, then she puts her right arm around my shoulder and hugs me comfortingly. "It's hard, so short before Christmas, isn’t it?"
She knows. Of course she knows, everyone in Japan knows. Papa cancelled all our newspapers, even the funny one with all the cars and motorbikes, but I've seen all the articles in the shop windows. I am too small to read, but I am not too blind to see the pictures. Mostly black and white pictures where Mama looks even more pale. Just like a ghost...
"You don't have to play with them, Yuki-chan, but tell me when you want something, okay? We can go outside, just the two of us. Auntie Sakura can watch over your classmates and we can build our own snowman."
She only wants my best and she's concerned. Auntie Lina is a very nice woman, but I shake my head. I don't want to go outside. I don't want to build a snowman. There's just one thing in this world I want, but Lina can't give it to me. No one can. Not even the doctors.
"You are a strong girl, Yuki-chan." Auntie Lina takes her handkerchief and wipes away my tears, then she turns to take care of the small chairs. She pulls them into a circle and I sit hesitantly on one of them, waiting for the other children to return. So we all can play a game together. A game I honestly am not very keen of. But I have to play with them. I know. If I don't, if I hide myself in the bathroom and refuse to come out again, they'll tell Papa and Papa will be concerned about me. She's already so concerned, I don't want to frighten her like I did shortly after all this has happened...
After Mama broke down. It happened at the beginning of September. I can remember so clearly, because it was shortly after my sister's birthday in August. Mama was alone at home - surely she forgot some of her music sheets and had to drive home to get them. It was sheer luck that Papa found her shortly after. She had forgotten something, too. My daddy's very forgetful. Mommy always teased her that she would forget her head if it wasn't attached to her body. That day Papa's bad habit saved Mama's life.
I don't understand much of all this stuff, I can't even pronounce that strange word; it sounds threatening in my ears. I don't understand a lot, but I understood all too well what the doctor told us: That Mama would have died if Papa hadn't found her so quickly. Still I remember that those words scared me like hell and that I cried all afternoon and didn't want to calm down. Papa screamed at the doctor, yelling that he shouldn't say such things in front of us; my sister didn't look any happier than I. After that the doctor didn't talk to us again, he only talked to Papa, and Papa was often very pale after these meetings.
No, I don't understand anything about it, but I understand too well that my mommy's in hospital now. Has been for such a long time. Since shortly after Sissy's birthday - and that seems like ages ago.
It's been eternity since Mama made her famous lasagne for us. Sure, auntie Makoto is a very good cook, too, but it's simply not the same. When Mama made the meal, we ate everything, even after our stomachs had already started to hurt. Now I can hardly eat more than the half of it, and Papa's dish is mostly untouched.
During the first weeks I feared that my mommy was dead and no one dared to tell me. Papa always went alone to the hospital, sometimes Sissy was allowed to accompany her, but I always had to stay at home. Not even auntie Rei answered my curious questions; I really believed that my mommy left me and no one told me! I couldn't eat any longer, I had nightmares and got a high fever. Papa and my aunts were very concerned and auntie Ami looked at me for a long time before she declared that I needed to see my mommy, that I was sick because she wasn't with me. So I received consent to go see Mama from auntie Ami - who's a really great doctor.
I'll never understand why children under the age of ten aren't allowed to enter special areas of the hospital, but I was so happy to finally be with my mommy again that I didn't start a big fight like I normally would have done. I am not a shy one, normally I argue loudly when something's unfair, uncle Mamoru always says that I am like my Papa, but that day I didn't care about it. Nothing but the visit at the hospital was important.
Mama was incredibly pale. She was in a white bed and there were strange sounding machines in her small room. There were no other beds in the room; she was there all alone. Her blue eyes were open and she smiled as she saw me. It was a strange smile, she only curved the half of her lips. Her voice was the same, but I was hardly able to understand her. With her right hand she held my small one tightly and squeezed it from time to time to tell me that everything was fine, that she was still there and that she didn't intent on leaving anytime soon. That she would come home as soon as she could.
But she didn't come home. Not yet. Last week, Papa had to tell us that she wouldn't be home for Christmas. Since that moment I’ve begun to hate Christmas. I don't want to spend this special festival at home without my mommy! Sure, all my aunts will be there, but a Christmas without both of my parents isn't a Christmas at all. Not for me.
Oh, I would have given all my gifts and all of my toys to have her home. That was my greatest wish to Santa Clause. But I couldn't write him a letter and the Santa Clause at the supermarket looked at me very strangely when I told him my wish. Guess it's too much to ask for. Maybe Santa Clause doesn't even exist; the guy in the supermarket had a fake beard, I could see that.
"Yuki-chan? May I sit next to you?"
A girl with long, blonde hair doesn't wait for my answer and sits down anyway. Her name's Akane and she's my best friend, but during the past few months I haven’t been able to understand her any longer. The most important thing in her life is her Barbie; I haven't touched my dolls in an eternity, for they are all so lifeless, so meaningless...
"Christmas's in three days. I can hardly wait. You, too, Yuki-chan?"
She doesn't know what happened to my mommy and I am not in the mood to tell her. She wouldn't understand, as I don't really understand all this stuff myself. Guess she wouldn't even know my feelings, for her only concern is how many gifts she will get.
"It's great that it snowed last night. I love snow for Christmas." She carries on to talk and talk. I don't interrupt her. As long as she talks I can keep quiet.
Yuki-chan.
My real name is Tenô Yukiyo Anne, but everyone calls me Yuki-chan. That's much shorter and normally I like it. But now I hate this name. My mommy always used to call me that name, and now she's so far away. Okay, I visit her twice a week and every Sunday, but it's not enough! I don't want anyone to call me Yuki-chan except her and Papa, but I can't explain that to Akane, she wouldn't understand. So I keep quiet, again.
Slowly, the chairs fill with children and everyone gets a hot mug of chocolate. Normally, I love hot chocolate, but now I only rock the mug and watch the dark fluid crashing against the white edges. It's been ages since my mommy has made hot chocolate for me, I don't want this one. But I don't push it to the ground; I did that once and it only caused trouble. No, Papa didn't shout at me or punish me, she only looked at me, helplessly, while auntie Linda talked to her. I don't want to see my Papa helpless, so I keep the chocolate in my hands. At least it warms them. A little bit.
"Let's talk about Christmas and what you want to get from Santa Clause." Auntie Lina suggests and sits down on a big pillow in the middle of the circle. Expectantly, she looks at us small children and smiles encouragingly. Akane raises her hand and stands up to speak.
"I wanna have a new dress for my Barbie." She says and I wonder why she isn't holding that damn doll in her hands. Surely, she brought it with her to the kindergarten, even though it isn't allowed. Maybe it's still in her small bag and she'll bring it in when it's time for us to take our noon nap? I used to hate to sleep during the day because I was never tired, therefore it was extremely boring for me. But now I am afraid of it. What shall I do if I really fell asleep and had one of those frightening nightmares? Those nightmares where the doctor has to tell us that Mama really died, that Papa had been too late to save her? I don't want the other children to see me cry. I don't want auntie Lina to try to comfort me, because she can't comfort me. She can't help me. No one can!
"I wanna have a bike."
"I wanna have a gameboy!"
"I wanna have a flute."
"I wanna have a computer!"
"I wanna have..."
Stupid wishes, silly children! What's so special about a bike? A computer won't make your life more worthy. A gameboy can't love you as a Barbie can't embrace you and tell you how much you are loved!
This year I had only one wish. If it were to be granted, I would never wish for anything else again in my life, I swear! I only want to have my mommy back. Back at home, forever. Or at least during Christmas.
I don't understand why the doctor won't let her go home. She isn't in danger of becoming ill again, is she? I asked Papa about this and she only sighed and told me that Mama's still very weak and that they want to keep her until she's better.
Until she's better!
She IS better!
Hey, she's been able to sit in a wheelchair since... since Halloween. Right, it had been Halloween. I wore my Peter Pan costume from last year. Of course it was too small for me, but Mama made it for me and I only wanted to wear a costume my mommy made, so I tried not to breathe too deeply and had to run around as a Peter Pan who spent too many nights looking through his old house's window. I know that fairy tale, my mommy always reads it to me as a good night tale. Now auntie Setsuna does that. She lives with us now so she can take care of Sissy and I when Papa's gone all the night.
Hai, it had been Halloween when I ran into my mommy's room at the hospital, wanting proudly to show her all the sweets I had gotten from the friendly nurses. Mama wasn't lying in her bed any longer, she was sitting in a wheelchair. Since the time she fell ill I’ve learned to understand her strange pronunciation, but that day she was able to say -Yuki-chan - the way she used to before that incident. When I climbed on her lap she embraced me - with both arms. Her left one shook a lot, but she embraced me with both arms; she hadn't done that for a long time. I was happy.
So why wasn’t she allowed to come home? I know that Mama's very weak, that we have to take care of her, and that I shouldn't jump downstairs any longer. I would have to be very quiet and nice to her. She isn't allowed to get excited, but I wouldn't cause any trouble any longer. I will tidy up my room and behave like a nice child. I will never let them be concerned about me again. Just like my big sister promised to stop listening to loud music, jogging in the dark, and switching off her cell phone when she is with her friends.
Papa stopped to drive her race cars in the week after she had to take Mama to hospital and it doesn't look as if she wants to return to the race track again. Hell, we showed the doctors that we would change our whole lives, that they don't have to be concerned about our mommy any longer! We only want to have her back. I want to have her back. For Christmas, forever!
But the doctor kept firm. I overheard a conversation between my daddy and my auntie Ami and she said that the doctor is right. That auntie Usagi did everything that was in her might, but that my mommy was still very weak. There was a chance of a complete recovery: A long, hard procedure and that Papa shouldn't be impatient. We all should be more patient, because Mama wouldn't survive another attack; not even auntie Usagi would be able to help her then.
I don't know what auntie Usagi has to do with all this, but those words scared me deeply. I don't want my mommy to be so ill again, but I don't want her to stay in hospital forever, either. Mama is always so happy when we come to visit her, surely she would be so much happier at home.
We would sit with her on the couch and be very quiet and nice and lovely. I wouldn't demand my gift impatiently and argue with my sister loudly over the last pudding. We all would be quiet and nice and lovely.
Just come home, Mama.
Please...
"What's your wish?" Akane's voice jerks me out of my thoughts. I look up from my now cold chocolate and stare at her for a moment, not able to think of anything. Then I shrug my shoulders.
"Dunno..." I mumble and return all my attention back to the mug in my hands.
"Hey, you should know! Christmas's in three days!"
"But I don't care."
"You don't care about your gifts? What if you don't get any, then?" Akane looks really shocked, but I am suddenly too tired to explain all this stuff to her. Surely, some of my aunts bought something for us, too. Papa has other things on her mind than our Christmas gifts. Especially since my bigger sister and I told her that we aren't in the mood to celebrate Christmas and that we don't want to have any gifts. Not without our mommy...
"What about your Barbie, Akane-chan? Didn't you want to have a horse for her?" I ask instead and try to focus her mind on another topic. As always it works. She's just six years old; she's so easy to be influenced. Normally, I don't treat my best friend this way, but normality has left me since that day when Papa fetched me up from the kindergarten. It had been a rainy day in the early afternoon, too soon to fetch me up. Normally, my bigger sister comes to take me home after school; she is already fifteen and old enough to use the bus with me, but that day Papa came. She looked incredibly pale and hardly talked to a surprised auntie Lina. Papa only took me; my bigger sister was already waiting in our silver car, and we drove to the hospital. Together. Still I don't know why I was allowed to go to that hospital that day when it had been forbidden for me during the following weeks, but that day we spent long hours in a white, ugly room full of chairs, used magazines, and stupid staring fishes. It was the most horrible day in my life. Since that day normality has disappeared.
"Hai, I wanted to have that brown horse. You know, Yuki-chan, the one you always see in the adverts, but it's too expensive. I don't think my parents would..."
So Akane talked next to me, not realising that she was more talking to herself than to me, because I was hardly listening.
Adverts?
What kind of adverts?
Since that day I’ve hardly watched TV. Daddy locked the door of the television lounge, surely because of the news. I mean, Mama's photos were all over the newspapers, surely she was on TV, too. However, I am glad Papa locked it. I used to love animes, but now they are all alike to me, unreal, not important any longer.
Akane's voice dies when the doors is opened. I look up again and the mug escapes my suddenly trembling hands. Auntie Linda doesn't even care that the chocolate dirties the carpet, because she stares at the intruder with the same mixed feelings on her face.
It's my older sister who stands in the door frame. Her shoulder long, dark hair looks messed, her purple eyes sparkle with tears. There are deep rings around her eyes, but today she is not wearing her sunglasses like she has done during the past weeks. Some people look at her strangely but she ignores them. Her face is still incredibly pale, but her cheeks are redden. She pants and holds her stomach as if she had just ran a long distance.
"Hime-chan? Do you have to run like that? You know, I am not the youngest any longer."
I blink as I hear my Papa's voice. The next moment she's standing next to my bigger sister and puts her right hand on Hotaru's - that's my big sister's real name, although everyone calls her Hime-chan or Taru - shoulder and gasps for breath, too. My daddy's winter jacket is half open and it's not the first time that I notice how slim she became during the past weeks. It had always been the most wonderful thing in the world to creep under the warm blanket of my parent's bed on a quiet Sunday morning. To cuddle with my parents and to misuse my daddy as a horse to ride on her through the whole sleeping room. Laughing loudly. Then my daddy had embraced me very often and I know that I have never felt her rips when she did so. Her face looks thinner, too, but her eyes sparkle.
"Haven't you been the Formula One Champion during the past five years?"
"There I use a car, Hime-chan. A car and not my legs."
"That's a lame excuse."
"You are the same breathless as I am, and you want to be the hope of your swimming team?"
They both tease each other around. I can't remember the last time they had their funny fights. Those fights which made Mama always laugh. Their voices sound happy, so completely different, not so sad any longer.
Nani?
"May we fetch Yuki-chan up a little bit earlier, Linda-san?" My Papa shortly bows before she comes over to me and simply takes me into her arms. She smiles tenderly at me and I gulp. I can't remember the last time when Papa smiled so... so happily...
"Papa?" I whisper, feeling safe and secure in those strong arms. My bigger sister comes over to me and strokes through my blonde hair. Some tears are running over her burning cheeks but she smiles, too. It is a shaky, but a happy smile.
"The doctor is talking about a miracle. Michi was able to leave her wheelchair for the first time today. They checked her again, but couldn't find any danger that would keep her in hospital any longer." Papa's smile widens and she's hugging me so hard that I have difficulties to breathe. "Michi's coming home for Christmas. We can take her home this very afternoon."
I need some moments to understand her words. Then I wrap my arms around her neck and hug her in return.
Mama's coming home!
For Christmas!
Forever!
Of course I know that Mama's not healthy yet. We all will have to be patient. Nice and quiet and lovely. But she will come home at last. She will come back to us, to me.
Suddenly, I am able to enjoy the snow outside as Papa leaves the kindergarten. The sun is shinning brightly from a cloudless sky and some winter birds are singing a cheerful song. I feel as happy as I haven't felt during the last weeks, and the coming holidays aren't a threat any longer.
"Let's take Mama and celebrate Christmas." Whispers Hotaru when we climb into the silver car. I cuddle myself in her warm arms and see how our daddy nods, trying to keep back her tears.
"Hai..." she whispers and starts the engine.
I look out of the window, see the snow covered trees, the white pavements, and all the people carrying big bags or even Christmas trees. To get home to their families to have a great Christmas. Like we will have a great Christmas, too. Together with our mommy.
Mama is coming home.
Arigato, Santa Clause.
Arigato for granting our wish.
dbdbdb
"Oh, God is watching us, God is watching
God is watching us from a distance."
dbdbdb
Disclaimer:
The song "From a Distance" belongs to Bette Midler, the persons mentioned in this story (except Yuki-chan) belong to Takeuchi Naoko.
Only by chance did I find this little story on my computer when I wanted to make some backup CDs and wanted to delete some other files. I’ve totally forgotten that I wrote this Christmas Carol, as well drop. I hope you liked it, nonetheless, because Christmas Carols are timeless :).
I wrote this story 2002 for the Hamena-Fanzine and thought I could publish it now (in 2006) to wish you all a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.
I use this little story to thank you all, my readers, for your constant support, your nice comments and your funny emails I’ve received since I started my stories in 2000. Arigato! bows
April Eagle
